Not Russian enough

Where are you from?… Who would have thought that this simple question could cause such discomfort to me?

I was born in Latvia to Russian parents two years before the Soviet Union collapsed. I went to a Russian school and was raised in the environment of Russian patriotism. I didn`t care or understand when my parents were talking about them feeling foreign to Latvia; and I just accepted their position that we were not-always-welcome Russians who were born and lived in Latvia.

So when I was 17 my mom suggested that we needed to get a citizenship of Latvia. It was soon after the country joined the European Union. According to my parents being a citizen would make my life easier (and it did give me an opportunity to travel and study in the UK later on). "Wait a second! I have to pass an exam to become a citizen of the country I was born in, and where both of my parents were born?!"- I was in shock suddenly.

"This must be a mistake!" 

I didn`t really travel or go on many holidays back then so having a non-citizen passport never bothered me (or let`s say I never really thought about it). So in the end I had to pass a standard exam including language knowledge and history tests to get a Latvian citizen passport. However, if you think about it, it would be a standard exam for somebody who just had decided to come and live in Latvia, for myself who was born there it was humiliating (to say the least!). 

I still do not understand the reason for the country rejecting its people on the basis of having foreign roots or language. This just does not make any sense to me and I think this is wrong. And to be honest now it does not even matter, looking for reasons or justifying history is totally irrelevant. What is important to me is that I cannot properly understand my national identity and this is where my hard-to-resolve internal conflict comes from.

After school I went to study to a university in England and this is where all the real thinking started. My teachers and course mates were asking of course where I was from. "I am from Latvia" I responded always rushing to add "but I am Russian actually". This created a lot of confusion especially amongst young people who lacked history knowledge. Many didn`t understand the difference between nationality and citizenship. In my friends` countries this came as a package deal.

It was unpleasant having to explain my complicated story, but it seemed wrong not to as I wanted them to understand who I really was.

I have always been confused but even more after I moved to Spain. There it became more personal and painful. During my first stay in Spain I visited Castile y Leon - the very Spain of Spain where not everyone likes to speak about the incredible diversity the country offers. I made a good Galician friend there who taught me about sometimes-sad and unfair history of the region, its poetry and music. What I was most impressed by was her unconditional admiration and devotion to it. This girl is Spanish but she identifies herself ever so strongly with her region Galicia (which could have been a country actually as it is indeed so different and special). I found the expression of her thoughts and feelings unusual and incredible.

And this also was the moment when it dawned on me that I will never have this feeling of being sure where I did belong.

Afterwards I lived in Catalonia where the love for their region and language is so overwhelming and proud that it seemed impossible to ever become a part of this community. It used to upset me sometimes but now more than ever I find it extraordinary and beautiful (Spain`s greatest charm, by the way, is in its diversity!).

I am a kind of forever-foreigner. In Latvia I am considered Russian, in Russia I am called Latvian. And everywhere else I am a Russian girl from Latvia or at least this is what I say. Everywhere I travel the feeling of confusion and lack of belonging follows me. And of course "where are you from" question never helps.

Some people will say that we have the power to decide as we feel. I personally find it inexplicably difficult. Unfortunately, I have no feeling of belonging to my own country. Even if I did in the beginning, I still had to pass an exam to be officially accepted, which sadly spoils everything.

My conclusion is that I almost lack national identity. I surely can`t say I am a real Latvian. And for me my mother-tongue Russian is not enough to define me, neither is my upbringing. There are too many unanswered questions. I just don`t feel Russian enough (I do feel at least 70% Russian though, I`d say, - you got to laugh about it!). 

Sadly, though, I will never get to know the feeling of eternal love, belonging and pride for any country as it never will be truly mine. I believe you cannot consider a country yours unless it accepts you unconditionally.

The good thing is that I can call myself a citizen of the world or make any country my home (Luckily, I am fond of travelling and moving!). 

I must admit that this post came out slightly bitter, but since it is my history it is important. This post`s purpose is not to complain or accuse, but a sort of soul-searching and an opportunity to remind us that national identity matters and often becomes an unexpectedly interesting discussion topic.