I am not a vegetarian.

Let me just start this post with how much I love meat. When I came to Spain for the first time I got so obsessed with "jamón ibérico" - awesomely delicious Spanish cured ham, - that my friends actually gave me a nickname "ham". That`s weird, right? 
Childhood. In my family we used to eat meat three times a day. Just to give you an idea of a daily menu - a sandwitch with smoked meat or chicken pate for breakfast, chicken fillet with salad/ fries for lunch and some good sausages for dinner. Loved it and never questioned it.

And now let me continue to the fact that I don`t really like animals that much (sorry!). I think pandas and koalas are cute and cuddly, lovely to watch them, nothing more. Never had a pet since my mom was a cleaning freak and considered our flat inappropriate for a dog or a cat. A bit of a shame, but not a big deal.

When I was young in my country nobody was really a vegetarian. We thought it was unhealthy. For the first time I came across somebody vegetarian was a new classmate, who impressed everyone with fresh and sometimes rebellious views and behaviours when she decided to stop eating meat suddenly. When I look back it seems so strange that I was not interested in her point of view.

Then I moved to the UK where many more veggies crossed my path,  quite a few of them good mates. And now it seems so long ago when I was asking them why they were vegetarians (many from a very young age) and them responding something about animal suffering or blablabla - I don`t ever remember. To be honest it all seemed irrelevant to me then. What I knew was that meat was tasty, healthy and necessary.

My dad though stopped eating certain meat products at some point as he said that it was immoral to eat the meat of mammals since we are the same, unlike poultry or fish. He just came up with it so out of the blue, and me and my mom were laughing at him and accused him of creating more work for her when cooking.

So as you can see me eating animals represents a long story of joking and lack of curiosity. As many others I just did not want to know where meat was coming from. I refused it consciously because I was afraid that I may have to change.

But then a friend of mine kept talking me into reading this book, which really shocked me and made me feel repulsed by people and meat. As you may have imagined I have been avoiding popular (or maybe not so popular) videos, documentaries and other infos that I was offered to understand more about the meat industry. So I knew that things were bad, but that bad?!

I only want to mention a few facts that personally surprised (or rather shocked) me:

Chickens and turkeys are being fed antibiotics daily. This produces resistancy to antibiotics in humans. So maybe next pandemic desease will be impossible to fight

Animals being constantly tortured and slaughtered incorrectly (factory environment and machines often fail) - skinned and de-legged whilst still alive/conscious!

The meat industry is so enormous that contributes massively to the climate change and the environment pollution

Animals living short lives of suffering in a closed cage deep in their own shit while more shit dropping down from the cages above

What does free range and organic really mean? Organic means no antibiotics and free range that chickens have access to outside. But having a 15 min access per day/ per week also means access....

And so on and so on...

I did know things about changing animal genetics to make them grow faster and make them more fertile, feeding them antibiotics to prevent illnesses, them not being able to move or go outside. And yes, this is about money-sucking and greedy soulless factory farming industry that sees nothing but numbers.

I knew some facts that I saw in the book but I had them hidden deep inside my head - somewhere I never wanted to look. Reading the book helped the puzzle pieces to come together. Unfortunately (yes!), I see the full picture now. And my question is what shall I do? Can I really eat meat after what I have found out!? I feel ashamed. "Food is culture, habit, and identity", and it is complicated to resist your culture, change your habits and re-invent your identity.

I don`t pretend to know much about eating animals or factory farming. I am only at the beginning of the investigation. Also I don`t dare calling myself a vegetarian. Some people say now that being a veggie is almost becoming fashionable, and even though I don`t like to follow trends - this one might be worth it.

The reason for this post is to share some information and reflect on my own journey. When you find out something that affects you - you just cannot stay quiet.

I just suddenly feel a moral obligation to recommend you the book that influenced this post - "Eating animals" by Jonathan Safran Foer. Very good writing and reflection, and interesting facts that I enjoyed and hated discovering.

For now I will go and eat another tofu burger and entertain myself with making home-made hummus and azuki bean paste.

Rage against the machine

They tell me that I should want to buy a flat or a house. They tell me to want to get a driving license finally and to buy a car...to want to go to holiday resorts...to buy expensive clothes...to look feminine and sexy for men to like me...to get a good management job just because I did this useless succeed-in-the-fucking-corporate-world degree...or to want to have that kind of job just because supposedly I am capable of it. They tell me - that would be such a waste if you didn`t. You owe it to yourself, you were always one of the best students. Make your family proud...

Fuck you, I won`t do what you tell me.

Just because...renting a room with my friends in the beautiful Barcelona is romantic.  In winter it would be a cold flat with shaky windows and wind coming through when we are drinking ginger tea, in summer - hot and humid with lots of books and dust on the shelves.

...because I like to walk the pavements of Gaudí for hours, not even taking the metro.

...because going with my mate on a short trip to hike the Pyrenees or  couchsurfing somewhere makes my life so vibrant and authentic. Feels like I am learning.

...because I prefer going to a second hand or vintage store to buy clothes  that had a life and will give me a character and colours.

...because I don`t like showing my skin to anyone apart from the one who makes me feel desire when he touches me with his warm hands.

...because I want to have a small job that leaves me with the energy to feel, love, laugh and WANT after my working day.

...because I don`t want to feel that greed for money and for buying and accumulating crap. Because for me not having much is comfortable and peaceful.

...because I want to sit on a sunny terrace sipping Spanish red wine not worrying about my next promotion.

...because sometimes it`s enough going to go to a free concert on Tuesday night or having a picnic with my friends by the sea on Sunday.

...because I have the right to do what I feel and use or not use my skills the way I want.

Is it too much to ask for people not to judge me and leave me alone?

More importantly, is it too much to ask it from myself and stop judging my own choices?!!

Why to WWOOF in 2016

The other day I spoke to a guy who rents an allotment outside Barcelona city where he grows his own vegetables. He spends a lot of his free time there and enjoys it a great deal: looks like it represents a great place to work and also to hang out with friends. At some point soon he is planning to have a traditional Catalan BBQ – Calçotada there as the calçots - special onions are ready to be eaten now!. (And yes! I am secretly praying that I get invited. I just can’t say no to organic foods these days.)

I have discovered my interest in organic foods in 2015, and I would like to share with you one the coolest experiences I had during this year.

My experience of living and learning on an organic farm

I am a city girl and I have never had a garden. My grandparents used to have a summer house when I was little, but I do not remember much about it. So in 2015 I was aiming at discovering opportunities to learn something new while connecting with nature. WWOOFing turned out to be a perfect option as it is an opportunity to spend time outdoors, be physically active and also learn a new skill.

In a nutshell WWOOFING means living and working on an organic farm for a period of time (it can be a week or a month, depending on the farm and your plan) http://www.wwoof.net/ . In my case it was a small farm in the South of France where I was picking fruits and vegetables for a week.

This experience made a very positive impact on me, so I am sharing my thoughts on it with you:

• In general, working on a farm means learning a new skill, which equals to your personal growth and development
• For example, while making basil buckets for the Sunday market you have time to reflect on your career and think about what you want to do in life :)
• You gain more understanding on how the world works and how interconnected humans, insects, animals and plants are
• You appreciate food more as you really see where it is coming from
• It feels good to have back pain after picking vegetables rather than from sitting in front of the computer in the office!

WWOOFing is also amazing because:

• This experience is very healthy as you work outdoors
• You can learn or practise a foreign language if you choose to WWOOF abroad
• You connect to the people from a different industry, not corporate world
• You learn about organic lifestyles and reflect on your own

WWOOFing is your contribution to the organic farming but also a great alternative for a holiday full of new experiences and learning.


I would definitely recommend this experience to everyone in 2016! Try it out if you don’t get a chance to rent an allotment or if your grandma doesn’t have a garden to help with!

The mystery of the Russian smile

It does not matter what mood I am in I always catch myself smiling at everyone I see in shops, museums or at the beach and etc. If I accidently meet somebody`s gaze I almost feel guilty if I don`t smile at them. Oh yes, I do smile at strangers! They do smile back or sometimes they initiate it. I am programmed to smile this way as it feels polite. Although this hasn`t always been the case. 

I learned this habit of smiling to be nice in the UK and now living it every day in Australia.

When I moved to England to live and study the people seemed friendlier and happier. And every time I went back home I felt offended as people almost never smiled around me. I concluded "ah people may be actually rude or sad in my home country!"

So I kind of adopted a custom of smiling as a social responsibility and I loved it. I know that not all of those smiles are genuine but who cares - the world seems happier this way! This is what living abroad gives you, I guess, - the opportunity to try on new habits - like new style in clothing. 

The point of this post is to share that a couple of weeks ago I came across one brilliant article about the particularities of the Russian smile. The article made me look differently at my own culture again. I think it is useful to reassess your old and new behaviours as sometimes you get confused due to the exposure to a new culture while trying to adapt and fit in.

So the article summarises some investigations about possible reasons for the "unsmilingness" of Russians. In a nutshell, the smile in Russia has a different function in comparison to the Western countries. It serves to demonstrate a positive attitude or a good mood. Courtesy smile or a smile-to-be-nice is not common. People in Russia do not smile at strangers hence smile is not common in services area or at work - so you rarely or almost never get a smile from a cashier or a bus driver!

But there is much more to it. Some thinkers were seeking reasons for the "unsmiling nation" in the mystery of the Russian soul which is defined by the infinity of the country`s land and its breadth (what a romantic and beautiful thought!): 

"The Russian soul is suppressed by the immense Russian fields and immense Russian snows. It drowns and disperses in this immensity. And Russians almost never know the happiness of shape. The Russian soul is hit by the breadth and it doesn`t see the limits; and this infinity doesn`t liberate it but enslaves it..."

I found a few short summaries of the article on the internet, but I felt they didn`t transmit all the messages which I thought were curious and relevant. That`s why I translated the article for people who could be interested. (I am not a professional translator so I don`t pretend I did a good job, but I truly enjoyed the process!). The translation can be found here:  http://notrussianenough.blogspot.com/2015/12/deeper-reasons-for-unsmiling-russia-or.html

And here is the link to the original http://www.livemaster.ru/topic/1105471-glubinnye-prichiny-russkoj-neulybchivosti

Also the article is about the Russian smile but I believe that the reasons for less smiling people could be also be applicable to some neighbour countries, like Latvia where I was born.

My mother tongue is Russian and I feel close to the Russian culture. However, my history is a bit more complicated so if interested check my post about being Not-Russian-Enough and national identity. 

http://notrussianenough.blogspot.com/2015/12/not-russian-enough.html

Deeper reasons for the "unsmiling" Russia or why don`t shop assistants smile at me?

 Deeper reasons for the "unsmiling Russian nation" - from the materials of "My Planet" 

The first thing that surprises tourists in Russia is too many frowny or even gloomy people. Why do Russians smile so little? 

This is actually true: we definitely smile less than Western and Eastern nations. The "Hollywood smile" (as Russians refer to the typical white and wide smile of Americans) is as foreign to Russians as the pleasing polite smile of some Asian countries.

According to the researchers of communicative behaviour natural "unsmiliness" is one of the most mysterious qualities of the Russian culture. This particularity is often perceived as a bad education or even lack of respect towards the conversation partner in the Western world. However, this phenomenon has several possible explanations associated with Russia`s rough weather conditions, complex historic development, and most importantly, the fact that the Russian smile has a very different communicative function in comparison to the Western smile. 

The linguists Sternin and Prohorov in their investigations of the Russian communicative behaviour identified several interesting particularities of the Russian smile.

1. Russians smile in a different way. Normally only stretching their lips - rarely showing their upper teeth, whereas Westerners would display upper and even lower teeth. In Russia such a smile can be considered unpleasant and sometimes even vulgar: it is called a grin or a horse smile (no offence!). Russian writers often highlighted differences between the way Russians and Americans smile, - apparently the American smile often seems awkward and artificial to Russians. Maxim Gorky (Russian writer, 1868-1936), once said "The first thing you see on an American face is teeth". There is also the Russian saying which claims that "Grinning people are never loved". Our contemporaries also found this topic interesting: the popular comedian Zvanetsky wrote that "North American people are smiling as if they were plugged in".

2. In the Russian culture smiling to be polite is not common. In the majority of the Western cultures people smile to be polite, and hence, smiling is obligatory for greetings or even maintaining a conversation. The more a person smiles, the more politeness he or she demonstrates towards their conversation buddy. Interestingly, in some Eastern cultures a polite smile is offered to help one receive negative information. In his memories Ilya Erenburg (Soviet writer, 1891-1967) tells a story about a Chinese man who spoke about his wife`s death with a smile. This courtesy smile meant that Ilya didn`t have to feel bad or sad about this situation, as it wasn`t his tragedy. This would be completely unacceptable in the Russian culture. 

Smiling to be nice is not common in the Russian culture, moreover, it could be perceived as an insult. The Russian phrase "he smiled to be nice" has a negative meaning. A polite smile for clients is called a "duty smile" and is also perceived negatively as it is considered fake.

3. In Russia it is uncommon to smile at strangers. A smile is normally addressed to somebody you know. This is precisely why cashiers or shop assistants somewhat rarely smile at clients - they don`t know them! If a stranger smiles at a Russian, they would probably search for a reason for that smile - "Do I know you? or "Have we met before?". In Russia a smile is considered an invitation to start a conversation; and if a Russian is not ready for such a contact, they simply will not smile back. If the eyes of two strangers meet accidently, the Westerner would most likely smile while the Russian would look away.

4. In Russia it is also uncommon to smile when working or carrying out an important task. This comes from the oldest traditions when servants or waiters were always very polite but didn`t allow themselves to smile. This tradition is still alive nowadays: a polite smile wasn`t adopted in the Russian services area. The reason for this is that for the Russian mentality it seems an artificial mask or a fake face which is covering up the indifference.

From the early childhood the American or Japanese parents inculcate to their children that smiling is a social responsibility, whereas Russian parents often say : "Don`t smile too much at school, be serious".

5. The Russian smile demands sincerity and a reason: it is always genuine, open and represents a good mood or a positive attitude towards somebody. The smiles that are not supported by a positive state of mind cause immediate mistrust and disapproval. 

"A smile sometimes hides poison" "What is boiling in the heart is impossible to hide by a nice face" "Suffering hearts wouldn`t be healed by a smile" — are some of literal translations of several Russian sayings.

Chinese on the other hand say: "When your heart is offended your face shows a smile". 

In general, excessive smiliness or cheerfulness seems suspicious in the Russian culture. (How strange!) Such a habit could be considered as folly or even flirting (vulgar behaviour in the worst case). Therefore there is a saying in Russian: "Laughing with no reason is a sign of a fool".

A smile has to be appropriate for the situation. Another Russian saying: "Devote time for work but only an hour for entertainment". Very often at school you can hear teachers saying: “You can smile later, now it is time for work."

Also, it is impolite to smile next to people if they suffer some kind of sadness or a personal problem. (Rather than to cheer up they mourn together- so much empathy!)

However, what are the routes of those particularities? Volkova as one of the contributors to the investigation of the topic considers the traditions of the Russian Orthodoxy an important factor. The Russian Orthodoxy is devoted to the writings of the Saint Fathers of the Church of the first eight centuries of Christianity. The Saint Fathers warned that laughter is a weapon of the devil which seduces people and then laughs at them. The Church in the middle ages chased and disapproved of the entertainment culture including street actors or market comedians whose purpose was to make people smile or laugh.

The Gospel teaches that "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted". Therefore tears (and not laughter) are particularly respected in the traditions of the Orthodox spirituality, especially tears for your own sins or deep sympathy to others` sadness.

Weeping is one of the main genre of the Russian folklore and literature. For example, the famous weep of Yaroslavna from the anonymous epic poem "The tale of Igor`s campaign" or the lines from Nekrasov`s (Russian poet, 1821-1877) poem “Thoughts at a Vestibule" (1858): "In our land, this moan is called a song".

Nikolai Berdyaev (Russian writer and philosopher, 1874-1948) in his work "The fate of Russia" sees the reasons for unsmiling people in the boundless open spaces of our country, rough climate and living conditions, long fight for survival and special psychological make up of the Russian people.

"The Russian soul is supressed by the immense Russian fields and immense Russian snows. It drowns and disperses in this immensity. And Russians almost never know the happiness of shape. The Russian soul is hit by the breadth and it doesn`t see the limits; and this infinity doesn`t liberate it but enslaves it... And this way the spiritual energy of Russian men enters their contemplation and heartfullness."

Despite the fact that smiling amongst Russians is less common, the scientists of linguistics note that Russian people are mainly cheerful, happy, hospitable and have a good sense of humour. 

Smiling and laughter are not the same. And investigators think that precisely laughter is inherent to Russia even when it is "laughter through tears" described by Nicolai Gogol (Russian writer and novelist, 1809-1852).

http://www.livemaster.ru/topic/1105471-glubinnye-prichiny-russkoj-neulybchivosti (original article in Russian)

Recycle your regrets

I have decided to stop taking long showers. First, it is not so good for the environment. Second, makes me think too much. A friend of mine once told me that a long warm shower relieves his anxiety and helps dealing with pressure. I, however, have had different experience. How is it possible that an arguably pleasant and calming sound of running water brings up so many fast thoughts and memories? 

Why do we like memories anyway? They make us go back to the past and be stuck there wasting the priceless moments of now. Although the worst thing about memories is that they are perfectly skilled at provoking unwanted and unexpected feelings of regret. 

I love reading Erich Maria Remarque and one of my favourite quotes comes from his novel "Arch of Triumph".

“Regret is the most pointless thing in the world. Nothing can be turned back. Nothing can be changed. Otherwise we would all be saints. Life didn’t intend to make us perfect. Whoever is perfect belongs in a museum.” 

I couldn`t agree more with the author. The strange thing is though that agreeing and understanding the point he makes doesn`t mean it is easy applying it to your everyday life.

I love this paradox of the way the human mind works: we see so clearly that there is no use in regret; we know that we only have today to live; and yet again, our brain or heart keeps wondering about past opportunities, options and decisions made. "I should have done this, I could have done that... I am looking back and this is how I would play it". It is like pretending or imagining to have a superpower for a moment which you can use to choose again. And then suddenly realising that you can`t change the reality and that the superpower is only a dream.

 

What a waste of time! But somehow also a kind of painful pleasure for the mind (maybe like an S&M game for your brain and soul?). 

So why do we escape the reality by drowning ourselves in memories and regrets? Why do we press re-play/repeat button in our heads so often? Maybe we do it to dissolve our current anxieties and doubts in the waters of our history. 

So on one hand regret is indeed pointless, but maybe it could also represent the first step one takes to change their life situation?!  

If you realise that you regret your actions or choices, you do have the ability to do something different today or tomorrow or whenever you are ready. 

The feeling of regret is a signal that you want a change and most likely there is no way back to that happy moment you lived before, but there is certainly an opportunity to try and create a better one.

This way we can magically turn a pointless feeling that has appeared into something new and useful, an action, for example, - which is similar to recycling. Remarque was so right - regret is GARBITCH!

Let`s not dwell on our regrets, my friends, but rather recycle them into being brave, spontaneous and ready to act in search of true happiness.

Not Russian enough

Where are you from?… Who would have thought that this simple question could cause such discomfort to me?

I was born in Latvia to Russian parents two years before the Soviet Union collapsed. I went to a Russian school and was raised in the environment of Russian patriotism. I didn`t care or understand when my parents were talking about them feeling foreign to Latvia; and I just accepted their position that we were not-always-welcome Russians who were born and lived in Latvia.

So when I was 17 my mom suggested that we needed to get a citizenship of Latvia. It was soon after the country joined the European Union. According to my parents being a citizen would make my life easier (and it did give me an opportunity to travel and study in the UK later on). "Wait a second! I have to pass an exam to become a citizen of the country I was born in, and where both of my parents were born?!"- I was in shock suddenly.

"This must be a mistake!" 

I didn`t really travel or go on many holidays back then so having a non-citizen passport never bothered me (or let`s say I never really thought about it). So in the end I had to pass a standard exam including language knowledge and history tests to get a Latvian citizen passport. However, if you think about it, it would be a standard exam for somebody who just had decided to come and live in Latvia, for myself who was born there it was humiliating (to say the least!). 

I still do not understand the reason for the country rejecting its people on the basis of having foreign roots or language. This just does not make any sense to me and I think this is wrong. And to be honest now it does not even matter, looking for reasons or justifying history is totally irrelevant. What is important to me is that I cannot properly understand my national identity and this is where my hard-to-resolve internal conflict comes from.

After school I went to study to a university in England and this is where all the real thinking started. My teachers and course mates were asking of course where I was from. "I am from Latvia" I responded always rushing to add "but I am Russian actually". This created a lot of confusion especially amongst young people who lacked history knowledge. Many didn`t understand the difference between nationality and citizenship. In my friends` countries this came as a package deal.

It was unpleasant having to explain my complicated story, but it seemed wrong not to as I wanted them to understand who I really was.

I have always been confused but even more after I moved to Spain. There it became more personal and painful. During my first stay in Spain I visited Castile y Leon - the very Spain of Spain where not everyone likes to speak about the incredible diversity the country offers. I made a good Galician friend there who taught me about sometimes-sad and unfair history of the region, its poetry and music. What I was most impressed by was her unconditional admiration and devotion to it. This girl is Spanish but she identifies herself ever so strongly with her region Galicia (which could have been a country actually as it is indeed so different and special). I found the expression of her thoughts and feelings unusual and incredible.

And this also was the moment when it dawned on me that I will never have this feeling of being sure where I did belong.

Afterwards I lived in Catalonia where the love for their region and language is so overwhelming and proud that it seemed impossible to ever become a part of this community. It used to upset me sometimes but now more than ever I find it extraordinary and beautiful (Spain`s greatest charm, by the way, is in its diversity!).

I am a kind of forever-foreigner. In Latvia I am considered Russian, in Russia I am called Latvian. And everywhere else I am a Russian girl from Latvia or at least this is what I say. Everywhere I travel the feeling of confusion and lack of belonging follows me. And of course "where are you from" question never helps.

Some people will say that we have the power to decide as we feel. I personally find it inexplicably difficult. Unfortunately, I have no feeling of belonging to my own country. Even if I did in the beginning, I still had to pass an exam to be officially accepted, which sadly spoils everything.

My conclusion is that I almost lack national identity. I surely can`t say I am a real Latvian. And for me my mother-tongue Russian is not enough to define me, neither is my upbringing. There are too many unanswered questions. I just don`t feel Russian enough (I do feel at least 70% Russian though, I`d say, - you got to laugh about it!). 

Sadly, though, I will never get to know the feeling of eternal love, belonging and pride for any country as it never will be truly mine. I believe you cannot consider a country yours unless it accepts you unconditionally.

The good thing is that I can call myself a citizen of the world or make any country my home (Luckily, I am fond of travelling and moving!). 

I must admit that this post came out slightly bitter, but since it is my history it is important. This post`s purpose is not to complain or accuse, but a sort of soul-searching and an opportunity to remind us that national identity matters and often becomes an unexpectedly interesting discussion topic.